Jim Clements

Wendy darling ties me down. My winged feet, both flat on the ground. She sews my shadow to my soles. The lost boys have all been found.

If this is the only way, I'll try to let it be. I trust you when you say that you know what's best for me. A boat made from polished glass, with sky blue sails flown from the mast, began to drift away from the place I called my home. As all the children waved goodbye, I didn't feel the need to cry, but I have to say I've never felt so old.

Wendy darling drags me home, followed by a ticking crocodile, with a winding sheet to keep me warm, and pennies to keep the sun out of my eyes.

When she smiles, I think of you. When I lay her down I try to do all of those things that you loved. When she moans, it takes me back to all the times I told you that there'd be nobody but you. I've always been faithful to you, in my own way.

Of all the girls I've loved and tossed, you're the only one that I think of on those rare nights that I sleep alone. If that strikes you as a tad unclean, you'll be glad to know that when I dream, I don't think of you much at all. I've always been faithful to you, in my own way.

And every week I put a little note and a big check in an envelope. There's a mailbox right outside my door. I lick the seal so tenderly. I put on more stamps than it really needs. I'd still do it if it wasn't the law. I've always been faithful to you, in my own way.

My! I saw you dressing. My oh my. I saw you bare. I froze like water, water to ice, and I tried to lower my eyes. And then you saw me! My oh my. And you smiled. And I melted as the temperature rose. You pulled me in, and slammed the door closed.

I am overwhelmed, and I'm overdressed. I keep thinking that you just haven't thought this through, and you're throwing your love all over me like so much confetti.

Why has your mood changed? Why, oh why? What's wrong? You say you've got a question, and my heart just sinks. Can this be what I think? And then you say to me:

"I'm overwhelmed and I'm underdressed. I keep thinking that you just haven't thought this through, and you're throwing your love all over me like so much confetti."

And so we made this strange parade.

When the city fell, we were lying in a country meadow. We were halfway home before we knew. When we reached the walls, we saw roses in the rocky ruins. Bird's nests in the hood of dead cars. And inside our home, all our things were in their places, our letters stacked in wooden cases. Your rings were left untouched. These things that seemed to small to notice held strong while the world fell away.

So let us speak of all the wreckage, and the love that grows in the strangest places. If the world is too hard to plant our roots in, I'll grow out of you and you can grow out of me.

Sometimes it crushes me when my vision's blocked by preacher's towers; their words turning the air sour. Or when I'm in a room, surrounded by these dead, dead faces, just trying to catch a glimpse of you. And then I see your face, and I hear the thoughts behind what's spoken. I find a use for all the broken. When our eyes meet, I walk through walls like they're paper, and move to a rhythm separate from the drum.

And, after the flood, I woke to the wind. I emptied my room, I packed all my things, and I left without locking the door. I walked from my house, watching my feet as they splashed in the puddles still filling the streets, and I smiled, and I didn't look back

And morning comes now. The water's shallow. And colours are filling the sky.

I walked through the streets full of broken glass, and the larks made a nest in the hole in my hat, and the ants made home in my shoes. My legs felt like stones, and looked like stilts. My teeth crunched like I'd eaten a mouthful of sand, maybe from savage lands, maybe from an English beach.

I remember paddling. I wish you did too. I am sorry that you fell, but I suppose that's the way it goes.

And on the outside of town, I found an empty house. I slowly walked in, I sat on the couch, and I cried at a couple dancing on the TV.

The girls are holding hands in a circle, laughing and sneezing and then falling down. The boys are building traps in the chimney, while their parents are buying Christmas presents in town.

You walk to the Volcano dressed in grey. I thought I might follow you.

Delilah is treating her new friend Rapunzel to a makeover at her beauty salon. And St. George is out slaying dragons, but children still sleep with their night lights.

There are poppies growing through the cracks in the pavement, and flower shops on every avenue. And the ladies are out buying red roses for their husbands with their beards of blue.

I stood by the sea, waiting for the ship to take me, on the bone white sand, holding out my hands. The ivory sky bleeds into the sea. My eyes went blind, but I can still see. I can see.

And the wind ceased to blow, the emerald sea no longer flowed, and the angels shook the land, but I managed to stand. The ivory sky bleeds into the sea. My eyes went blind, but I can still see. I can see.

When I woke up, the sky was burned, and through the smoke the ship returned, and behind the sky, as trumpets blew, I saw another sky, and another sky, and another sky.

When your tank's on empty, I"m that extra mile. I'm the light that quits flashing every time you flick that dial. I gave the lord himself a lift when he was just a child. I'm bridges and I'm highways, I'm motorbikes and I'm trains. I'm the first glimpse of the Rockies after the Alberta plains. I'm dark glasses in the sun, I'm windscreen wipers in the rain.

I used to be a saint, man, but I got tossed. I carried the Lord before he carried that cross. I used to be a saint, man, but I got tossed. Who are you going to pray to when you get lost?

If your eyes are feeling heavy, I'm that dirty motel six. If there ain't no time for sleeping, I'm that late night caffeine fix. I do it for the Lord, man, I ain't in it for kicks. I'm the mix tapes in the glove box when the conversation wanes. I'm the drumming on the steering wheel, the hook in the refrain. I'm 'Back in Black,' I'm 'Radar Love,' I'm 'Like A Hurricane.'

I'm the breath inside your airbag, I'm the belt across your chest. I'm that little voice that tells you when it's time to take a rest. But I ain't no speed camera, sure ain't no breathalyzer test. I used to be a saint, but they said they made a mistake. Those boys in Rome said their ain't no giants in no lakes. But they're sure going to miss me when there ain't no fluid in their brakes.

I see you walking, girl, on that path by the river. A big black garbage bag held in those skinny fists. It's such a heavy load for such a little lady. We love your kind down here, my love, we love your kind down here.

You're kicking off your shoes and you're pulling off your dress now. One step into the lake and your gooseflesh starts to show. And then, in a flash, you and that bag go under. We love your kind down here, my love, we love your kind down here.

I've never known someone to hold their breath by half an hour. Just us bottom feeders know exactly what you did down there. And then, like a toad, you spring out of the water. We love your kind down here, my love, we love your kind down here.

You look so much happier now that your load is lifted. A big grin on your face, and a new swing in your step. But wasn't it your husband's turn to take out the garbage? We love your kind down here, my love, we love your kind down here.

I caught your eye across a crowded dance floor, or at least I thought I did. I can't be sure. I couldn't say hello, I needed to be certain. So I double-checked, a dozen times or more. 

And it's not how I planned it. I've never done this before. And you saw I went quietly as your husband showed me the door. Love, oh love, makes creeps of us all.

I went to your house to make myself feel better, and because I knew there was no one home. Your door was unlocked, so I thought I'd leave my letter on your kitchen table, and then I'd turn and go.

And it's not how I planned it. I've never done this before. But you came home to find me sleeping on your bathroom floor. Love, oh love, makes creeps of us all.

Oh my lord. Take me out of my thoughts. Help me believe in the better parts of me. And let me love move in one direction, for I become more trapped the more I struggle to be free.

One, when I saw you, and I could see nothing else, and I spoke before there was time to act more like myself. They say this won't count, but I'm counting on this.

Two, when I kissed you, and the dark room disappeared, and the breath that you gave me was the first I took in years. They say this won't count, but I'm counting on this.

Three, when you left me, and you left me in one piece. I was shocked to find I could stand, and it brought me to your knees. They say this won't count, but I'm counting on this.

Oh, my love, these are miracles to me, and three makes a saint of you, and a believer out of me. They say this won't count, but I'm counting on this.

They say that you're holy. I say, yeah, like a sieve. Who are you trying to kid? You can't find God where you live. I've read all his books. I've been to see him in Rome. The place sure had nice ceilings, but there was nobody home. I'm sure that if he was to reveal himself, it'd be to someone like me, with Augustine on his shelf.

It seems like you're jealous that he's talking to me. I sent no invitations, but he came anyway. I was down at the office, compiling errata, I looked down at my hands, and I had the stigmata. Ever since that day, I've seen God everywhere. In each leaf that trembles, and when I'm washing my hair.

I just can't believe it. It doesn't seem fair. I'm the one with all the relics, and the shirt made of hair.

I don't know what to tell you. It isn't that grand. How can I lie in the beach when he's in each grain of sand? I keep having visions, and I can't get to sleep. Seeing the blood of the lamb makes it hard to count sheep. I know that I'm fickle. It's from my mother's side. Here's what she told me on the day that she died. She said, 'There's this world and that one, and this one's more fun. Eternity's lovely, but it tends to run on. So if you see an angel, or a burning bush, put your nose in your book, dear, and try not to look.'

There are people frozen here. A busy day sometimes ends this way. These empty veins, these tunnels, and these trains. As for me, I'll stay inside. I'll push my voice through all this blue-white noise. These black-white keys, they've been so good to me. 

Did you know I sank back when I was small. I ate before I swam. I came to life here on the grand. As the sea turned red, music filled my head, and white birds began to fall from the sky.

And I kept my grip on your thin neck. I beat my sticks against your skin. I was selfish, dear, but I let you listen in.

So, I sing this broken hymn. I spilt my voice and it broke like bone. Mary cries when she hears this burnt prayer made of black sand, string, and sea. So I offer it to St. Jude who's not too holy to help me.

When St. Kevin was praying, an egg fell into his hands, and he knew that if he flinched an inch, it'd be dashed into the sand. So he stayed in that position for twenty days and nights, until the little egg broke open, and the little bird took flight. 

Some folks pray to fill their own cup, asking for a favour, wishing for some luck. Some folks pray to fill their own cup, but the best ones pray to keep someone else up.

St. Nick knew a lady, beautiful and sweet, who couldn't feed her kids and was forced to work the streets. So Nick cleaned out his savings, took a stroll down to her place, dropped the money in the chimney, and left without a trace.

St. Kathy loved her Lord so much that, when she was killed, from the hole where her head once was, she bled a stream of milk. Uncumber loved her Lord too, but her fiance she feared, so, to turn him off, she prayed to God, and proudly grew a beard. Dunstan took his pliers, and pinched the Devil's nose, and flung him down to hell where the ground promptly froze. Ronnie wipes the Lord's tears, he left an imprint of her face, which is hanging in her living room, above the fireplace.

Something's off in this city, something's dying in this town. There are too many dark faces in these tunnels underground. We're losing our best people, a dozen every day, and all our days are numbered if the saints go on their way.

I've shouted twice today already, and my throat's raw and red. But only now do your legions of perfection march my way.

So lights out, Mayfly, because I'm going home.

My infection from the scratching at the inch that wasn't there has left me doubting on my blond hair, and on your blue eyes.

And it's an act of such bravery, or so I've been told, to just give up the house you built for one you built just down the road.

I'd not noticed the moon over the garden at night. There's a fox near the gate, half out of the light. It's been a while since my mind met a thought with a thought. It's not something I learned. It's not something she taught. I guess I felt at home, eager to please, and able to mark out the edges of everything, but now those edges are gone.

I said fence me in, not that I'd try to leave, but there are things past that hill that I don't want to see. So I got into bed to awake when I am old. To stay out of the heat. To stay out of the cold. Guess I felt at home, down on my knees, and able to mark out the edges of everything, but now those edges are gone.

But it's good to see the moon. It's brighter than I recall, but then everything is, now that I'm seeing it all.

I guess it's something new, and a little clearer now you're out of view. But trying to see past you is something that I never thought I'd do.

I guess it's one more time around. We wound up right back where we started from. Though I miss you, I know we can't go back. So, I miss you, and let's just leave it at that.

We've been going around in rings, never really learning anything. Just one more ring on that dying tree on every anniversary.

I don't know why we both just played along. The only thing that mattered was to keep things ticking on. We passed the time by talking about how good it was going to get. I've got to say, it wasn't bad, but not much better than okay.

I wonder who'll be next? Someone I know? Someone I haven't met? Will she do things you'd never do? Will she just remind me of you?

I used to jest that if you left I'd finally write that book, play piano, go to night school, maybe learn to cook, trade in my t-shirts for some dress shirts for a brand new look, paint my masterpiece sublime. But so far the other thing I've done is get sleepy drinking whisky with the TV on. It's more like bedlam than a bedroom, but I can't clean it drunk, and there's no-one here who minds.

Guess I'll wait for the time when my mind's on stonier ground.

Sometimes I feel like it's all running down, like I'd have to fall headfirst to turn my frown around, but falling's just like flying until you hit the ground, and the ground is nowhere near. So while I sit here with my cigarettes, partly choking from the smoking, partly from regret, just respect that I'm not a wreck yet, I'm just a mess, and messes get cleaned up.

I'm happy here in bed right now, but soon I'll want more because I'm getting sore. One thing that I know for sure: I'm strong enough to sleep this off.

After years of knowing what comes next, I've got absolutely no idea what to expect. But just relax, man. Take a bath, and count my one success: the time I'm wasting, it's all mine. 

I know you won't believe me when I say this is brand new. You'll say I wasn't born this morning, but that's not exactly true. The past's been preparation for what we're about to do. So if it's alright with you, love, I'll try to muddle through, love. I hope that that'll do. It's all I ask.

I have never slept so well, or had such lovely dreams. This morning there were colours such as I've never seen. If you're as shocked as I am, take all the time you need. Because it's alright with me, love. Be just how you'll be, love. Just make some time for me, that's all I ask.

I'm not saying that you saved me. Let's leave the saving up to God. I learned the things I needed long before you came along. But I'm glad I'm holding your hand as life keeps rolling on. Because it's alright with me, love. Be just how you'll be, love. Just make some time for me, that's all I ask. And if it's alright with you, love, I'll try to muddle through, love. I hope that that'll do. It's all I ask.

The road is long, but I know a shortcut, but you might have to dirty your shoes. I know you'd prefer your way, but that route'll take all day, and we've both got better things to do. 

And you always wear the whitest shoes. Well, it's one of the nicest things about you, but it's time to take your eyes off the street, and get a little mud upon your feet.

You're such a good girl, and if I could girl, I'd carry you all of the way. But the path you're afraid of really ain't that rough, and you'd look just as pretty in grey.

You’re the face in the dark pressed to the window. You’re sewn in my sheets. The toys in the bed table. You’re the hair on the brush in the drawer I won’t open, the smell on the blankets I’ve given up folding, and although I don’t want you, I still want everything. The corners I cut when I picked out our wedding rings. When you swam with the swans, knee-deep in your reflection. Your precision of anger, when I lost my direction. The films that I ruined when I asked what they meant to you. How you never believed that I can’t tell greens from blues. The backseat of your car, which we only used once, the same night I found out we wouldn’t last out the month.
 
I’m soft in the middle now. I have trouble breathing well, and still when I smoke it’s because you can’t stand the smell. I always wanted to touch you, but I was afraid of the fingerprints. I tried to undress you but you were done up with safety pins. Everyone that I’ve loved, they sit in me peacefully, but you never go away, you bruise me with company. When I’m damp in the night, trying to picture new faces, I can only see costumes, positions, and places. When I think of their bodies, I fill in the gaps with the scar on your hand, the hair on the small of your back, and although you’re gone, you still choose my clothes for me. I still trim your roses and pull out the darker weeds.
 
And I think of explorers, sun-stroked and stumbling, who just keep on moving, not looking for anything, just covering ground, past sun-bleached ribcages, knowing that knowing comes with time, and with age. And a spray of butterflies, turning off their colours, so that faith slips away, and certainty follows. There’s a light that reveals; there’s a light that just blinds. There are chains that give comfort, and chains that just bind. Those who you forget when they’re out of your sight, and those you’ve never met who are never out of your mind. But I can’t look for others, I can barely see them. When rocks break apart, I look for the heart of them.
 
And I’m still making up for you. Still waking up for you. Still dressing well for you. Still working hard for you. Still on my best for you. Still on my feet for you. I still hold my pride and my decency dear for you. I’m still standing here for you, but I am not waiting here for you. I am here for you. I am here for you. I am here for you. I am here for you.

I didn't ask if I could bring you home,or if you wanted to stay. You’ll leave when you’re strong enough to escape. When you're scared, you run to me. I can't tell you how much that means. How sweet you feel it's safer here.

I lay you down in the water because the water helps you sleep.
Then I pick you up just to lay you down again.
 
I make you listen while I sing, sharing my darkest things.Maybe that's why you scream in the night. Here there’s no mystery. There’s nothing here than I can’t see. I wash you head to feet, every night.

I wanted to reveal everything inside of me, but just in case there isn’t much to see, I made a back-up plan and kept my fingers crossed. I kept my fingers crossed. But then there was a choice, which isn’t always good, to start a fire, or keep on chopping wood. As soon as I had made that back-up plan, I’d already lost. I was already lost. But I can pay all my bills. I own a house. I'm taking pills And regrets? I've had a few. Just a few.
 
Still wondering if Renee meant what she said, while Louise reads next to me in bed. I never made a choice, besides the thousand every day too small to see. Too small to see. Love followed anyway, like sleep follows the day. And regrets? I’ve had a few. Just a few.
 
There's snow knee high outside the door, and inside, the fireplace is warm. Because life is long, and we’re all so tired. We’ve already lost. We’re already lost.

Don’t leave your bed. The floor’s too cold. There’s nothing in the fridge. Don’t work out. You’ll just get tired. No one cares how you look. Don't go to work. No one there likes you. You're not very good at it. Don’t read a book. Nothing that you learn can change anything. Don't go to a bar. You're looking for something that can’t be found in bars. Don't share your thoughts. No one cares what you think. They're only waiting for their turn to talk. Don't make new friends. You're not nine years old. They have all the friends they need. Your old friends might think of you with a smile, but only once in a while. Don't have sex. You'll spend the whole time thinking you’re disappointing her. Don't fall in love. This one's most important. You're far too delicate. Don't express yourself. All you'll discover is you're not that interesting. Don't be good. You'll just get angry that no one tries as hard as you. Don’t be kind.You won’t get a medal.They’ll leave your body by the road.Don't plan ahead. You might get cancer or commit suicide.Or ignore all this as I know you will. That's how bad things are.
 

My crime was not so serious, they'd all forgotten what I'd done between the time the trial had ended, and sentencing had begun. But I was as tired as the jury, and I didn't see the harm in trading one home for another, if the beds are just as warm. Last night there was a fire somewhere out beyond the pen. We put our noses to the window panes, and dreamed of being firemen. When I was slightly freer than I am today, I always took the first job that came my way. But I had a gun on the outside, and everybody knew to stay away.

When they first brought me in here I had to give them all my things
They took some keys, some coins, my father's belt, and both of my wedding rings, but they let me keep my cigarettes, which I traded for a page torn out of an old magazine, of a girl about my age. I got a letter from a stranger, who heard about me in the news. He said he wanted nothing, and it made me feel used, so I did a drawing of halo, with nothing underneath, and I mailed it to the stranger. After that he let me be. I had a gun on the outside, and everybody knew to stay away.
 
The man who shares my bunk with me does bird calls in his sleep, and when he’s awake he talks of nothing but what he’d like to eat.He says he has a baby, and he thinks of her more now Than he could when he lived with her. You can see it makes him proud. There's a scar beneath my navel that I've not noticed before, that matches one my mother's had from before I was born. I would ask her what it means, but she hasn't got a phone, and, like me, she's at her happiest when she's left alone. I had a gun on the outside so everybody knew to stay away.
 
In the yard I walk in circles as there's nowhere else to go, but in the autumn there are fallen leaves, and in the winter there is snow. The guards are never changing, which comforts me at least, and there's a cook inside the kitchen, and in the chapel there's a priest. There's a camera in the chapel, with no red light to show it's on. I don't go there to say prayers, as I've done nothing wrong, but I put both hands together, just to touch and to be touched, and I try not to look happy, in case I’m being watched. I had a gun on the outside, and everybody knew to stay away.
 
I don’t think of getting out, but I keep both eyes on the gate, to see who they're letting in, in case I recognize a face. One day I saw them dragging in a boy in a paper crown, who looked terrified to be here, but I'm sure is fine by now. Sometimes my cellmate lets me talk about the things that trouble me, and he nods and smiles as he flicks through a garden magazine. Sometimes my door is left unlocked, which I imagine is a test. My dreams have gotten stranger. I sleep now less and less. I had a gun on the outside, and everybody knew to stay away.